…that I think A LOT. That I hold myself to impossible standards.
…that I often feel scared. Angry. Jealous. Wronged. Blaming. Overwhelmed—there’s not enough time, money, love, whatever. Sometimes I feel powerless to change things.
I am below the line often.
And it is all fine. It’s perfect in fact. I am starting to truly understand this and believe it.
And so, if you really knew me, you’d also know…
…that I drain myself. I go to bed at night feeling fully used up. Sometimes it is a delicious feeling of having given all my gifts. Other times I put the weight of the world on my shoulders. Most of my dreams are struggles to solve real and imagined problems. Oh, and I worry in my awake time too. I slip into hero mode to avert disaster, to prove my worth. I control as much as I can so that I don’t fail and you won’t either. I am scared you won’t think I am smart. I am scared you won’t think I am experienced enough. I am scared you won’t think “I am enough”.
And you’d know…
…that I am so emotionally porous at times, I cause myself suffering. I am especially prone to absorbing the moods and dramas of my six-year-old daughter…and my clients! This can be a rollercoaster of highs and lows.
…that I do all kinds of things to function well. I work-out. I dance swing. I do yoga stretches most mornings. I dabble in meditation. I go to bed early. I eat well, mostly. I have a coach myself. I’m in a new conscious leadership group with my coach colleagues. There are a lot of interlocking elements that keep me going.
You’d also know…
…that I still second guess myself and look to others for confirmation and validation. I grew up taking things home “on approval”. In our small city, this meant we could take items home from local stores without paying so we could try them on at home. For us, this allowed us to seek approval from others before committing to a purchase. We wanted to make the perfect choice. It turns out that “on approval” became my way of living. Now I am learning (slowly) to have compassion for myself (and my mother). We were/ are both scared to make the wrong choices. We are so human.
And you’d know…
…that I sometimes worry that all this focus on consciousness will drive a distance between me and the people I love. Maybe they will push me away? Or worse, maybe I will push them away because they aren’t as conscious (as if it were a competition!). I even worry that as a single woman that I will never find a conscious man, one who accepts me for who I am and the path I am on. And then I remember that for me to do anything other than allow this path to unfold would stifle me to my core and squash my purpose.
And finally, if you really knew me, you’d know…
I have learned more this past year than I ever have. My life is offering up experiences every day that challenge me to stay present, to figure out what is mine to own, to make clear agreements, to practice patience, compassion and love for myself and others.
If you read what I share above as bleak, I see it as just the opposite. I feel very alive. I feel courageous. I feel powerful. I feel expansive. I feel incredibly grateful. So much is possible. I feel more connected to people and the flow of life than I ever have.
And while I feel a little scared to put this blog post into the world, I mostly feel excited. Revealing some of me brings a freedom and lightness.
I am a complicated human and so are you.
And now, if I really knew you, what I would I know?
If you are craving a more traditional year-end wrap-up, check out these recycled posts from years past: